Mr. Narrator via /r/HFY
Mr. Narrator
A quick comedy piece I threw together. Thanks to Ratatoskr on Roosterteeth for the editing and suggestions!
It was a dark day in the history of humanity. The Imperium's fleets had finally reached Sol. Despite the heroic defenses of the last of the nascent Terran naval units, their first generation frigates and destroyers were swept aside by the might of the battleships of a civilization that had been conquering species while flint-tipped spears were still the pinnacle of human war-fighting technology.
As the first of the hulking monsters entered Earth orbit it- Hey! Who are you? What the hell are you doing here?
Oh, hi Mr. Narrator. You can call me Buck. My friend here's Mike…
Sup?
And as for what we're doing, well, we're a little tired of you dumping all this crap on us poor humans. So we'll be making a few changes.
You can't do this! I'm the Narrator! I decide what happens! Not you!
Yeah, well we all got together and decided that sounds like a piss poor deal. The plan is for us to make our own decisions from here on out. Ain't that right, Buck?
See, we're tired of friends and family dying off screen because you think it will make a better story. I had a sister, two brothers in law, and three nieces and nephews on the TFS Randolf. You decided to blow it up to make a plot point!
And my family ran a wedding planning business. Do you know how few people can afford nice weddings during a war? For six generations we were the best there were! Then I get back from my first tour in the Marines and it was gone! Just one of thousands your little story destroyed!
Listen, I'm sorry for both of you. Really, I am. Do you think I like killing people off for the sake of the story? But it's my job and I have to make those decisions!
Oh, we'll see about that. Mike, help me tie him up.
Now wait just one… Ow! Hey, watch it! You can't do this to me! I'm the Narrator!
Alright, that's out of the way, give me the mic. Now where were we…
Ahem… As the first of the hulking monsters entered Earth orbit and started to target all of the orphanages and pet adoption centers on the planet it suddenly blew into a million pieces! All of the other aliens looked around with their disgusting xeno versions of “What the Fuck” as the real Terran fleet came screaming out from behind the planet! Hundreds of battleships that made the Imperium's look like little toys began to fire their Positron Plasma Beams right down the throats of the alien menace. The insignificant return fire bounced off the glorious Terran battlesteel armor without even scratching the bad-ass paint jobs.
Hey, that's sweet! Here, let me have a shot!
But the slingshot maneuver sent the fleet shooting past too fast to destroy all of the dirty xenos. The survivors had just enough time to thank whatever false gods they prayed to before the genetically engineered dragons came roaring out of the atmosphere-
Dragons? Really?
Hey, dragons are awesome!
Yeah, but they need air to breath and fly and spit fire. They can't fight in space.
Even if they're genetically engineered?
Even then. But, hey, how about giant robot dragons?
Okay. Giant robot dragons are pretty cool, I guess.
-had just enough time to thank whatever false gods they prayed to before the giant dragon mechs shot out of the atmosphere, belching the flames of atomic fire! The Imperium fleet had made the mistake of approaching the Earth from the direction facing the Western Pacific and the Japanese would make them pay for it.
Huge draconic forms sunk teeth of shining steel into the sides of the handful of remaining Imperium ships. Then the power armored samurai riding on their backs jumped through the rents to do battle with the alien scum. It wasn't even a fair fight, and thousands of the monsters died in seconds to the unstoppable warriors.
Dang, man, that was great! You know the Narrator has video of the alien commander's bridge? The expression on his face is hilarious! I'm uploading it to SpaceTube right now!
Aw, thanks Buck! Make sure to link it on Spaceit, too. We can get some serious karma from this!
Already on it. Hey… where did the Narrator get to?
Little did the humans know that they were already too late. The Imperium had survived for thousands of years. While defeat was unusual, it wasn't unplanned for. Already the spores of X4D7 were drifting through Earth's atmosphere. The deadly pathogen had sterilized dozens of worlds and it was already too spread out to stop, having been deployed from half a dozen ships as their final act.
All that would be left for the enormous backup fleet would be to wipe away the vestiges of the human fleet. Considering they outmassed and outgunned them, it should be a simple matter of hunting them down. The commander of Imperium fleet allowed himself a quick smile. The humans only thought they had won, but they had merely delayed the inevitable. And with that thought he initiated the self-destruct, taking himself, his ship, and two attacking dragon mechs with him.
There you are you son of a bitch!
It's too late. This was going to be a story about humanity rebelling from enslavement, but now it is going to have to be about the few remnants surviving. If you are lucky. It might just end up being a last desperate stand. All those billions that could have lived if you had not interfered…
In your dreams, dirtbag. Mike, tie this bastard up again, and make it tight. I need to un-fuck this whole thing. Uh, let's see…
But the Imperium had never faced a species that had evolved on a Deathworld before. All the other species they had conquered lived on non-hostile worlds with no competition or danger. Humanity had lived with things like Smallpox, Ebola, and Malaria for millions of years. As the “deadly” X4D7 began to infect humans, they coughed a bit and got a runny nose. The handful that didn't shrug it off completely, that is. Compared to even a minor cold, the alien plague wasn't even worth a tab of aspirin.
Hey Buck, he's tied up real good this time. Used duct tape instead of rope, and if he gets out of that without WD-40 I'm going to get a refund.
Thanks, Mike. I got the plague under control, be we still have to deal with that fleet the asshole brought in. Any ideas?
Yeah, I think I've got just the one…
The backup fleet that appeared was enormous. There were two ships to each of the Terrans' and they were just as powerful. The human admiral knew that fighting them head to head would be a losing proposition, even with the dragons. So he didn't.
The human fleet launched a single wave of missiles. It was puny compared to what the alien fleet could handle, and they laughed at what they took to be a desperate attempt to hold off the impending doom. That laughter turned to confusion as every one of the missiles seemed to break apart halfway to their ships. There was no way the human maintenance could be so bad that thousands of missiles failed at once… could it?
The unstoppable fleet accelerated right through the debris, shields contemptuously brushing the larger chunks aside. A few minutes later, alarms started blaring. Something had boarded the ships! Across the formation the same scene was repeated as battle armored Deathworlders cut through all resistance with giant flaming chain-swords. Unarmored, no normal xeno was their equal. In their suits, they were juggernauts.
The alien admiral could only watch in horror as one burst into his flag bridge. It turned a brightly painted helmet his way and from the suit's speakers came the thing's terrible voice: “Terran Marines, you alien scum! Thanks for the fleet!”
Well?
Not bad. I think your dragons were better
Maybe, but it did the job, didn't it?
True. And that's all that matters for now.
Actually, take a look at this. Mr. Narrator has apparently been a busy boy.
Damn, all these poor universes the asshole has been picking on. Somebody needs to make things right.
And I suppose that somebody would be us?
I don't see anyone else lining up for the job. Besides, you got anything better to do?
Nope. And as long as we're cleaning up the mess Mr. Narrator left we should keep an eye out for this Author guy. From what I can tell, the man's a real piece of work…
Hope you all enjoyed! I came up with this idea just before falling asleep the other night and managed to remember it when I woke up. Thought it turned out pretty nice, all things considered. I'm also still working on a longer series, though it's slow going. On the other hand, I could probably be persuaded to make a sequel or two to this one with popular series. If any authors want me to do theirs, let me know. The darker and grittier, the better.
On another note, if there are any authors who want to exchange work for editing, I'm looking for alpha readers, and I'm happy to help others out with their projects in return. But the general feedback needs to be more than “It was awesome!”
As always, upvote if you liked it, comment regardless, and don't piss off the Narrator unless you know where he lives.
Submitted September 15, 2016 at 03:54PM by radius55
Click here for the original Reddit article
