Do I owe my father an apology? via /r/relationship_advice

My 2 older brothers and I were raised by a full time working single mother, no stepdads or fatherly figures. My father (X) left the city when I was 8 and I didn't see him again until I was 18. (I am 28/f) I do not know how much he was around before I was 8, I cannot remember because I have some cognitive disabilities due to stress in my early childhood. I have asked my mother and she says he would come and go, never be around consistently.

When I was 19, I went and visited him and my grandmother for a week or two. He also visited my brothers and I in our home city once a couple years later. In his most recent trip to my home city he told me I had been sexually abused as a child, and he had taken me to the hospital. I got very rigid and I left him there refused to speak to him. I asked my mom and she said she thought I went to the hospital for something else. She was being medicated for anxiety and depression at that time and she was very busy with me and my brothers so I don't know if she can properly recall the events now. I visited the children's aid and children's hospital and there was indeed a case, but I haven't been brave enough to look into it yet.

The way I feel towards him, I don't know if it's justified, which is what I am coming here to ask your opinions on. I think I really dislike him or something, or I draw a blank when I think of him. There is definitely no love in my mind for him. I don't know him and he doesn't know me.

Recently, about 2 months ago I called him up to ask for the number of my relative in the city I had moved to. He gave me the number of my aunt and uncle (his brother and sister) but told me they would be very cold towards me and that they do not like me.

X told me he wanted to send me a care package and I got really excited about it. I know this seems wrong, but I would accept any sort of monetary gift from him, without giving much care to it. He wanted my address, when he first asked I didn't know it and like everything that is difficult to me I procrastinated about it. After I got my address from my roommate it would be sent care of her. I lost the paper her address was written on. I have a very confusing relationship with her, and I became anxious to ask her again for her address. A lot of time was passing and I wasn't giving him the address. Well he finally became fed up, at my half evasive tactic, here are all the messages…

I know he is a lot smarter than me, and sometimes it will be hard to read through my msgs… but bear with me. I left them unedited, I know I was being a big douche as well. I am starting to wonder, is there something my mother didn't tell me about her relationship with him? Other than my relationship with X I had a hard time growing up in my household. So here they are. If you think there are too many, just don't read them and move on with your life. If you want to read them I would really like to know how can I make myself feel any sort of connection with my father? I just feel numb or grossed out by him.

" 9/14 X Looks to me like you really are in B.C. But I don't actually know that. I want you to come to some understanding of why I might not seem receptive. I suffered, and I don't say that jokingly, an horrific depression and some sort of mental illness. That has passed. But I am left with a bitter taste in my mouth. There were only two people who cared about me….my mother who told me to come home and my good friend Tony who came every day to my house in Comox and said, get out and you come home with me. Tony and Suzie were the people who save you, selflessly. It seemed to me you called me out of desperation. But as Margaret, a crusty old lady who is my rental agent said, at least she called you. And compared to us, her story is far more interesting. So, I say to you my genetically modified, carbon based, replicant, double xx chromosal structured person (GMO/CB/XX2) that as your "biological father" I haven't forgotten you, irrespective if I might eventually have another little girl by the hand. Of course I know that young women who grow up without the firm but gentle hand of a father can get their brains fucked up. We all know that, it isn't a state secret. If you are really close to getting a degree, stop what you are doing and go into low gear and grind at it, even if you don't think you are bright. If I had a nickle for all the dummies I met in universities who went on to great things I would be a poor man, LOL. Seriously Kiddo you carry an old French name but I suspect you are really a Lithuanian immigrant. Here is what I am going to do for you for now. Send me your measurements….your height, bust, waist, hips and shoe size and I will put together an (I) CARE package for you. If and when you return from the left coast, if you are actually there, send me a message and if you want I will pay your way down here for a stay with your Dad for let's say a week to begin with. I knew about the Infinity Dress actually, it's too busy for me, like Origami. My concept is something different. When you come down we will work together to design and cut out and sew a real beautiful dress that is a work of art and whoo hooo you get to keep it. And speaking of dresses, I was asked to join the Knights of Columbus, which I did. Tomorrow, I deliver rappie pies all over town as part of our charity drive called "Coats for Kids" including one to mom up in the hospital. It is a progression of uniforms for me, cub, scout, cadet and now a really fancy uniform, plumed hat, white gloves, cape, sash, and sword. Ha ha, I bet you would laugh! Ok kid, I want you to know that you are still my little girl, but little girls aren't allowed to lie to their fathers. That picture of you three kids, makes me laugh, it's just exactly like each of your personalities, ha ha ha. Look at you grumpy. You know we all apparently look like some ancestor or other, may years ago, mom told me that I was the spitting image of a great-great uncle. Looking at your picture here that says it is your updated profile picture you wouldn't believe how much you look like your aunt Pauline when she wasn't a heck of a lot older that you now. That's how I remember her. All right Toad Face, send me a mailing address, and I will see what I can do before I leave your country, Canada, forever. Don't cry, I am thinking of you. I laughed, mom asked me if you still had that Lebanese boyfriend. Just tell me you are OK and what you want from me, Dad, to do for you.

9/14, Me: Hey I'm going to have to get back to you in a couple days. I'm already stressed at work, haha. Theres a lot to respond to but I would like an update on grammy. I'm redesigning a stuff sack for tents. super light alpine tents to be more specific

9/15, X Sounds like fun. When you get too stressed out you can climb inside one and chill out. Watch out for Dilbert! He might put a log on the bag!

Me 9/15: I would really like to come work on the dress with you, heres the thing if you can convince (my brother) to come down at the same time and that will be difficulkt but I think it would be realllly good for him. and perhaps we can help him take on this project as well.

September 19 Me:

I would really appreciate that care package you wanted to send. I'm exhausted here and the thought of those goodies got me excited.. haha..

I have a tape measure but I havent taken my measurements

I would still like to know how grammy is?

September 22 X

I took the automatic upgrade to Windows 10 quite a while back and it has worked well. Now they are starting with their unasked for updates, which don't work well. The Blogs are all talking about it. Your grammy wasn't well when she went into the hospital. She went downstairs to have a shower but when she finished she had a grip on the towel rack and the sink and wouldn't let go. I told her I was calling an ambulance but she said no, so I managed to get her to the ground in a sitting position, then her friends came over and we got her into a chair. Then she got back on the floor and wanted to stay there with a blanket. After some time of this by which I mean overnight, I finally said, I have to call the ambulance, I really do. She went into a single room in the cardiac ward, but nothing wrong with her heart. It was just a convenient place to put her. They gave her intravenous antiibiotics and she cleared up nicely. However, it is very common for elderly women with bladder infections to develop a form of delirium. For some it can sort of just push them over the edge just enough so that the delirium remains permanently. I don't think they really know exactly where she is. Her psychiatrist called and told me scored 5 out of 30 on some sort of cognitive test and that my POA would be effective. She was telling fanciful stories about how her granny got the shotgun and just as the bear was going to get her youngest, she blasted it right between the eyes. Then she told me had just received a large cheque from her father. However, in, the last few days she has definitely made big strides in mental competence. You now can have a pretty normal conversation with her. They get her up and walk her around, but she is incontinent and has a catheter. They told me she wouldn't be able to come home because of the level of care required. I tried to get her into a private care home close to here where the owner told me they would work with her 3 hours a day and she would most likely come back. She went to hospital to see mom but left before I got there just leaving the message that she couldn't take her because she couldn't self-evacuate in case of emergency. I was quite distressed and depressed for a while. So then they moved her out of critical care into a double room with Ruth a woman in her eighties who had the misfortune to be in the hospital for something not too bad but then went into the washroom, slipped and broke her hip. Now mom has moved on to the next step, she is again in a single room in a part of the hospital where it is a bit like a nursing home. There is a dining room, you wear your own clothes, she has the quilt she made on her bed and so on. Also she is no longer technically a patient because she has no illness and now she has to pay a daily rate which is capped at 85% of her income. The good thing is, she does not seem agitated or distressed by staying in the hospital and she has visitors pretty well every day. I even flossed her teeth yesterday. Incidentally, how many people do you know in their 90's who have a prescription list that comprises all of one pill. She takes one thyroid pill a day, that's all. After all is said and done, I feel that she has a few more years left, and they could be good ones. The thought of her being in a nursing home was, at first, repugnant to me, but now having seen people in these places I can see it's not like living in a prison and the life there can actually be good. Mom is the last remaining link for me to a whole past that is now gone. The years that you are going through now. Incidentally, I try to avoid alcohol like the plague now, but every once in a while I might get a bottle of wine thinking that I will have one glass before dinner. Invariably, I end up drinking three glasses and that was what I had under my belt when I sent you my rambling and ranting message. Don't read to much into too little. So I hope that is enough of an update about your grammy for now. We will hope for the best. I just can't get it out of my head that she knew her own great-grandmother when she died at 101 and that great-grandmother told her stories that her own grandmother had told her. Finally, it dawned on me those stories were directly from the deportations in the 1700's. So I just sort of think my mother should live to 101 too, if that makes any sense to you. Last night there were a couple of young american girls sitting behind me and I must have something because they said, hey, we're Lithuanians. Had an interesting conversation with them about where their families had come from and the naming conventions Lithuanians use for unmarried -aite, and married – iene. I really do expect to take a 2-3 trip in the fall. Top of my list is Vilnius, but Greece with a side trip to Tel Aviv and on to Jerusalem also beckons. So how is your work going? Try not to get to stressed, I'm sure they know you are there for educational purposes mostly. I probably don't need your measurements do I. Don't women just wear things by size, like a size 6 dress or something. I assume you haven't gained a lot of weight. What was the name of your company? I would like to look it up on the web. And you have to send me a mailing address to get a CARE package. Can't send it, General Delivery, B.C. It might be nice to have the both of you here. Could you tell me a little more about what Pearce is like now. Is he mentally stable? Has he managed to deal with his bulimia? Finally, as I said, send me back your address promptly. Actually, I look forward to finding some things for you. It feels a bit like Christmas. Hope you get to enjoy all the wonderful things that the Left Coast has to offer. Try to be careful, though, and try not to be out alone at night. – Best wishes, Dad.

September 26 Me:

ive been working too hard where are you leaving to? you said you were travelling?

September 28 X

Don't you think the message is self-explanatory? Answer my questions. Address? Name of Company you work for? If you lack the skills of being able to read and communicate in writing, in English, you should say so, and I can possibly help you with that, as I am an excellent communicator. On the other hand, if you are merely playing games, something that I tossed out of my life, along with the other half of your family, long ago, I have no further interest. You seemed concerned about your grandmother, but made no comment. When I left your city, I stopped playing with toys in a sandbox. I suggest you do the same. If I don't receive a response within a respectable period of time, don't bother.

September 28 Me:

? im not your girlfriend or something you toss out you should really check yourself before you speak to me like this. I do have problems communicating but thanks I don't even know my address I don;t think you know anything about me not a single thing, you don't even have a clue how vulnerable I am Yet you msged me that women that havent had their fathers present are messed up. thanks David. I was looking forward to collaborating and having Pearce and I stay with you but now I am not sure.

9/28, 9:56pm Me:

Also can you tell me what you mean by saying you tossed out half my family for playing games?

September 30 X

How the hell can you not know your address! There's only one way. You live on a park bench. What I mean by "tossing out" is this – I don't like lying, scheming, conniving, manipulating, cunning people who lack the gift of empathy and are control freaks. I am long past the whole idea that everybody can be rehabilitated. To make it plain and simple for you, when I get a whiff of this from anyone, I slam the door in their face, and I don't care who that is. You told me you were just like your mother. That triggered off a response in me. That's just too bad for you, if you don't understand me. If you recall, you had the indecency to tell me you didn't know who I was. Well, I don't know who you are. You also told me I was your biological father, which I admittedly thought wasn't possible at one time. And as far as what precipitated this whole thing seven years ago. Well, guess what I found in my papers here. Your little white hospital card, yup, that's right, from the Riverside, with your name and my name on it and the dates that I took you. You can certainly have it if you want. I'll bet they still have your file too. Look lady, I offered you a little olive branch. I said give me your address and I will send you a package. I didn't have to do that. When you called I could have just slammed the phone down on your ear. Let me make this 100% clear to you. Over the years I have never received one Christmas, birthday, father's day, or any other day card or any other thing that showed you could give a shit about me. I ordered my mother to stop sending you and your siblings money, because you never had the decency to even send one thank you note! You're almost middle-aged yourself now. Maybe it's something about people in your age group. They seem to lack common sense and manners. Yes, I grew up with military discipline and a world where we were required to stand when any female over 15 entered the room. I am still living in a Canada that for you, never existed. Every generation does the same. The kids that you won't have will not understand your old-fashioned world either when the time comes. This is something shouldn't being telling you but a few month's back I finally dumped a girl that I have known for a long time, in an actual statement. "This is over." Like my mother said, there's no fool like an old fool. She is one year younger than you, blonde and blue-eyed. With two little kids that were starting to become uncomfortably attached me. Probably because they had never seen anybody who wears pleated grey pants and shiny shoes, brushes his teeth once a week, and can string three words together and still make sense. It's a mistake that all men make, no matter how old. They think that beauty equals smarts. Only in the case of Cleopatra. I do feel sorry for her though. Being as pretty as that and being dumped by an old man must be a bit tough on the ego. The next day a public thing goes up on FB. "If you want to be my lover, you have to understand my insecurities, my weaknesses, my innadequacies", or something like that. Yes, I feel bad about the whole thing, and I know she was asking for understanding, but I am aggravated that have ignored other more realistic possibilites. In the end, it's same planet, different worlds. So why am I telling you all this? So that you know there are plenty of other things in my life besides you and your brother that are a lot closer to home for me. I think what you are getting is what they used to call "tough love". It's just being delivered fifteen years too late. So don't be presumptuous and think that any of you are entitled to any sort of relationship with me. You aren't. You will have to put just as much, if not more, effort into it as me. Period. The worst thing for you would be if I demanded an apology from you, without which, you don't exist as far as I am concerned. I haven't demanded that….yet. If you are indeed, in B.C. there is one thing I would be wary about. My family members are a lot like me. Surprise, surprise. If you find yourself at a family dinner with any of my siblings be aware that they can be very pointed, direct, questioning, and critical. Just like me. So, to cap this all off. If you still wish to have any sort of connection to me, it is something that will have to proceed slowly, with caution, avoiding name-calling and finding out if there is anything there to salvage. The same goes for your brothers. For a start – give me an address. If you cannot at least do that then we can't go anywhere from here. Notwithstanding the foregoing (I was a bureaucrat, after all) I hope that you are happy, well, content, healthy, optimistic about the future, and not too fat. – David.

September 30 Me

i have a concussion

i just got out of te hospita;l

cant read your msg my brain hurts

hust letting you knpo

October 3 X

Oh really. Give me the details. Answer these questions in sequence, as asked. 1. Who is your doctor. I want to speak to him as any concerned parent would want to. 2. How did your "concussion" occur. 3. Where did this supposed concussion occur. 4. What treatment is your "Doctor administering". The only one of the three of you who isn't a liar, is probably your oldest brother. Wishing you good luck on your recovery. In reality you are probably in need of serious psychological and psychiatric help. Am I to blame. No. No doubt it comes from the old bag's side. By the way, "collaborating" is something you do with the Nazis. FYI, I am Free French. Emphasis on the free. You have, no doubt, simply invented everything and the old bag is now getting what she deserved. You don't seem very interested in the fact that I had to take you for many appointments to the Riverside. I think you should ask the old bag what happened to you. I'll bet it was one of those sleazy, bottom-feeders. You know, white trash, that she had hanging around her because they thought she had a few bucks. Maybe you should ask her about that extra sleazy character in the perpetual white slacks with the perpetual wet spot on his crotch. I was disgusted. Remember something, there is no statute of limitation in Canada on criminal offences and sexulal abuse is a criminal offence. And now you are a box of chocolates, just like mom. What did you expect. I do, sincerely hope, that you or someone close to you, can get you to a hospital or a clinic, now, today, and let you tell them your story. I think your life depends on it. I gave you life. As imperfect as it may be. I do think you can recover, with the right medication and cognitive behavioural therapy. Will anyone give it to you, or will you be able to find it yourself. I don't know. All I do know is the misery. And yes, I do understand. I will not slam the door in your face for the time being. But if you are too far gone, then you are a write off. I wish you well…..your sperm donor.

10/3, 5:59pm Me

hold on. I'll give you more information. I'm recovering, I've been having bad headaches. and I'm told not to use my brain or think too hard on the bright side I rediscovered my polcystic kidneys Give me more time and I;ll explain a lot to you. im not going to read your reply but i will send you my hospital bracelet because reading whatever you have said I know it will stress me

10/3, 6:10pm Me

i fell 15-20 feet down a mountaim

October 6 X

My dear daughter. Don't you know anything about Mountains. The Left Coast is full of them. I have climbed them myself. They are dangerous things to Easterners. If you need me, I will fly there to be with you, tomorrow. 20 feet down Seymour might as well be jumping of the Empire State Building. I love you, and you will recover to go on to a wonderful life. And your father, if you need him, will be every step of the way with you. Recover well, my child.The world needs you. Love, your Dad.

October 13 Me:

Hey ill be getting back to you tonight after my doctor apt just letting you know

October 20 X

A bit late for me to respond. I have a hard time trusting you people. But, you apparently didn't die. I will be honest with you. I don't know how you "growed up". If you do not deal with with me directly, you are barking up the wrong tree. When I tell you to answer my questions, it is because I expect an answer. Jesus, I feel like a shelf of books, a mother in the hospital and on the other side a daughter in the hospital. Do you really really think we are going anywhere with this? You must realize that I am dealing with a lot of other things than biological connections which are ancient history for me. We will scrap the whole visit here I think. What I had planned to do before you is visit my friend Tony in Comox. If go all the way across this country then the least I can do is meet you somewhere on the Island. My mother lingers on in our medicare system here. It would be a very big blow to me if she dies, which she must sooner or later. I go almost every day to see her and talk to her about her past, and floss her teeth, and bring her things. I said, Mom, do you really think anyone from my family will visit me like I visit you when I turn 92. It really is the end of an era for me. You have one day to make your mind up. You will either honour your father or you will not. Let me repeat this for you. If you don't have the ability to converse with me "daughter to father", then there can be nothing between us and this really should be the last message. Good luck, you are not Catholic, as I am, but I pray for you.

10/20, 7:00pm Me:

you are asking a lot of me lol I asked if my brother and I could come there if you dont see that as an olive branch. I dont know what you do. everytime you send me a negative msg I am hurt. You should perhaps pray for yourself. You are the worst father anyone could ever have. you left us. you will never be forgiven for that. thats all. You are a coward. and I have been trying to cautiously get to know you and so I won't get hurt it has been hell to be raised without a father and a pillar you have hurt me again. you need to revalute how you talk to people you send me hateful messages for not sending you messages or being cautious with you well here you go, you got the rise you wanted. With your messages you're pushing, trying to control the situation. You have no control This isn't your decision you left, so you beg. thats how it is. Now ill give you an ultimatum if you don't relax, you won't get to know me you won't get to know any grandchildren you could have. stop trying to control everything I have had a hard fucking life thanks to you

10/20, 9:20pm Me:

partially thanks to you I can't put it all on you, but you were supposed to be there. so I cannot believe how angry you are for me not replying after a week lol is that not ironic? you were gone for years I don't even know how much you were around when I was a child apparently not much

Saturday Me:

Why the fuck don't you understand anything. Noooooo, I do not beg. You haven't got a fuckin' clue what is was like to live with your mother. Even her sister said, why do you treat him like that! You know nothing about my time at the Ottawa Heart Institute. You know nothing about being treated like shit! You shove it up your ass! When your doctor tells you, you have to leave or you are going to DIE! you asshole, you might just get an inkling. Now I Demand and Apology from you. Without that, you need never, ever, contact me again. You are naive, you are childish, you seem to known nothing about life. There's a reason why they kicked your mother out of Nursing. Oh yea, you didn't know that did you? She told me herself, but I wasn't smart enough to realize what she, herself, was telling me. You have no empathy for the suffering of other people, they said, git! Unless you can prove, that you are not that exact same type of person, you Git! You come back to me with one fuckin' smart mouth statement. Goodye. SLAM! Let's just delete this FB fuckin" connection. If you are like her, you won't find one single goddamn man today that would put up with that for than one day! If you cannot honour your father, Fuck Off! If you die before me, not interested. If I die before you, don't bother, you are interdicted. I don't want your card here in my house that says you were sexually abused when you were three. I'll send it to the dump you people live in. And with that I am finished. I'm not sorry, we don't need each other. Go south and find somebody in the Trump family. I don't don't think I would even want to know your children. No, no, no….I can't blame you for being born. That is not your fault. What is your fault, though, is thinking that you get to live your life like an ignorant asshole. You don't! Good fuckin' luck!

Sunday 10/23, 1:20am Me: fuck off . youre a horrible human being. lol. I should sue you for emotional harrassment you think your so goddamn smart. "honor your father" wtf who says that. lollll you don't get to be a father till you deserve to be one. and in this life I bet you never will. lol I was gibing you a fucking chance, scumbag human being. lol… who leaves their child after theyve been sexually abused lol I would have fought for anything to make that child feel okay stop preytendg were equals, trhats where youve gone wrong.

Today X

Apology has to be in writing . Why do I hate you? I hate you because you shut the door in my face. You didn't answer my letter. Why do I hate you. I hate you because you lack the ability to empathize. Why do I hate you? Because you are a liar. Why do I hate you? Because you hate. Why do I hate you? Because you will go on to ruin some young man's life. Why do I hate you? Because you are just what I expected – a chip off the ol' cunt. I knew, many years ago, that, after all the suffering I went through, I would eventually get my revenge. Now I have it. And now I am content. These will be the last words that pass between us."