Getting to 50/50 parenting time in divorce court. The secret behind the story. via /r/MensRights

Posted as a comment on a different thread.

Like how does custody seem to default legally to the woman- is there some law or act in place there??

Not in the U.S. The laws on custody are gender neutral. However, in application, courts heavily place great weight on the status quo. In a divorce it very often goes like this. The husband has been devoting the vast majority of his time and energy to his career. The wife has been the primary person doing childcare. They break up and he moves out, leaving the children with his soon to be ex wife. At this point, before any Orders are issued, they both legally have an equal right to parenting time with the children. In theory.

However, too often he is what I refer to as a "Woody Allen" kind of dad. He doesn't know who his kid's teachers are, he doesn't know who their friends are, he doesn't know their school and activity schedules and has no way to get them there and back, he doesn't have a history of taking them to the doctor and the dentist. He doesn't know their clothing sizes, etc, and has a long history of relying on his soon to be ex wife to handle all of these things.

Since he has been very busy working to support the family. He doesn't have the vaguest idea how to set up childcare so he can keep working, and get the kids back and forth to school and their activities, without using his soon to be ex wife.

So he moves out and leaves the kids with her by default. Now the fact is, this dad is not stupid. If he had to, he could figure all of these things out. He could be an extremely competent parent with 50/50 parenting time.

Except when you are separating and getting divorced is not exactly the best time in your life. It's not a time when you feel particularly competent and like taking on some tremendously difficult tasks you never did before. Like adjusting your career to accommodate the very real demands of parenting young children and finding appropriate child care to make this possible.

Lots of fathers also don't have the money to achieve this, or don't understand the urgency of devoting money to this, instead of relying on their soon to be ex wife. Someone is going to have to be paid to do childcare and appropriate transfers to school and activities and back while dad is working. Someone is going to have to be paid to take care of the kids when they are randomly sick and can't go to school, and for all of those endless "teacher conference" days and school holidays. Unless dad has a very accommodating employer, he is going to have a very hard time. Since dad won't have soon to be ex around to help him on "his" time. That's the reality of divorce.

So he moves out and leaves the kids with his soon to be ex wife by default. The kids and their schedules are something that she has been primarily handling for a very long time. Four to six months later they finally get to a custody hearing through the divorce case. By then the status quo is set. The court is extremely unlikely to change it at that point.

That is how fathers who are perfectly capable of handling 50/50 don't get the chance to try. They get every other weekend and Wednesday supper because of the status quo. A status quo they allowed to happen because that is always the way it was and they didn't feel capable at that moment in time to change it.

Years of history and many many months since separation have gone by before they get into court on a custody and parenting time determination. "I'm ready to do 50/50 now" fathers say. Too damn bad. The status quo, which courts prefer not to change, screws them.

Mother's lawyer has doctor and dentist records showing that only mom brought the kids in for all of their lives. Mother's lawyer has school records showing that only mom showed up for all meetings with teachers. Mother's lawyer has records that only mom signed up the kids for all activities and testimony that only mom drove them back and forth. Mother's lawyer has proof that dad moved out and left the kids with mom. Mother's lawyer can easily prove that dad hasn't stayed home with a sick kid even one single day in all of their lives. If it really gets ugly, aka Woody Allen, mother's lawyer can prove that dad doesn't even know his kid's clothing sizes and etc a whole lot more information he doesn't know about his own children.

Game over. The status quo has been set and courts don't like to disturb it.

It's not that the laws are discriminatory. It's that courts, (at least in the U.S.), value stability for children and sticking with the status quo in a time of great upheaval for the children above almost anything. What you had and what you did is what you get when it comes to shared parenting time. There is no do-over later, just because you broke up.

Stability for the children reigns supreme. You don't get to decide to do 50/50 later and disrupt your children in the process. You have to make sure the status quo is right beginning at separation. This is how you, if you are lucky, you end up with a divorce attorney charging you hundreds of dollars an hour to teach you how to read the sizes of your children's clothing and learn to use that to buy up. This is how your divorce attorney teaches you about Care.com. This is how it cost you over $500. to learn the email addresses of your children's teachers. This is how you learned the name of your children's doctor and took them in for a flu shot, even if you had to take off work to do it. This is how you learned to negotiate the strange etiquette of children's sleepovers, especially as a single dad.

Since we have to hit it now and hit it hard. You want 50/50? Beware the status quo. No one gives a shit if you coached the soccer team. You can do that on the weekends and maybe one hour a week. In season. You have to be able to walk into court and show you did at least some of the nitty-gritty of parenting. This takes some planning.

"Stay in the house", I say, and you better smile and suck it up. "Delay, delay, seriously now, fucking delay". We have to change the status quo if you want 50/50. It is achievable, but you need to be able to do it all without your soon to be ex. Also, we better be able to prove that in court. On paper.

Your kid brings home a daily assignment book that parents are supposed to sign every day? For heaven's sake, sign it. (We call that evidence.) Do the homework with your child. Every day. Make sure you send your child to school with a nutritious lunch every day. Don't even get me started on the Twinkie gestapo.

Make a record. Take the children to a doctor for a check-up and also take them to a dentist. Make an appointment with the children's teachers to check up on their progress. Figure out what you are going to do when a couple of snowflakes fall, (on the East Coast), and your children's school is closed because it's a snow day. Calling your soon to be ex wife is not an option.

Suck it up and deal hard. Be able to parent the kids alone with only help from people you hire. Want to keep your kids? Want 50/50? While still being employed? Better be able to pay the help. Also, those people you hire better not have a criminal record.

This is what I deal with every day. Are the courts kind of prejudiced against fathers? Sure. But when I am sitting around charging some father $450. an hour teaching him how to do his kid's laundry…. Like, really? There is more going on here. We can't just blame the courts.

When a divorce goes down you don't get a do-over. Not unless you get to me quick, preferably before that divorce action is filed. So I can start changing the status quo. How involved were you really in your children's lives? Who's name is signed on all of their shot records? Who went to the parent teacher conferences? Who signed the daily assignment books? For years and years and years?

I am going to need something to work with.

You want 50/50, well you have to give me something to work with. Make a record. Get it on paper. Get to me quick.